


Can't Say The Words

by AlAngel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluffy happy ending, Happy Ending, Insecurity, Some hurt/comfort, sucky childhood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-09 07:52:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11100204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlAngel/pseuds/AlAngel
Summary: After getting to the the first I love you of their relationship, (y/n) freaks out. She can’t say the words back (because of her past) and Crowley takes it the wrong way.





	Can't Say The Words

Title: Can’t say the words  
Pairing: Crowley x fem!Reader  
Word Count: 1800+  
Warning: sucky childhood, some hurt/comfort, angsty maybe, but fluffy happy ending  
Summary: After getting to the the first I love you of their relationship, (y/n) freaks out. She can’t say the words back (because of her past) and Crowley takes it the wrong way.  
(A/n: Dunno why I wrote this. I guess I needed someone to say it’s fine to be emotionally complicated.)  
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** 

I love you. His words still rang in your mind. It had only been a whisper, more of a soft mumbling into your hair. But you heard it. And that changed everything.  
“Love? You alright?” You heard his voice again while automatically stiffed in his arms. “You been restless all night.”  
“Couldn’t really find sleep” You admitted staying as close to the truth as you could. True enough you could not possibly fall asleep with these three words out there. But what were you supposed to do? You couldn’t just say them back! For the millionth time it dwelled on you that he’d want to hear it back and then what. You were finally in a nice and content relationship and then he had to just tell you he loved you!  
“Something wrong?” He asked pressing light kisses on your neck. “If someone upset you, I can…”  
He was always considering like that. To be honest you didn’t want to know what would happen if some day someone really truly upset you. There was no way to tell what the king of hell would do to them. It was one of the things you loved most about him. No matter how often you told him you could handle everything yourself, he wouldn’t fight you on it just insist that if ever you needed him you’d just tell him.  
“I’m not upset.” This time you lied.  
“I can see that” It was milder than the usual sarcasm he had reserved for everyone else. Another thing you loved about him. His sarcastic and often dry sense of humour. “Is it about last night?”  
Shit. This conversation fast approached grounds you weren’t comfortable with. You needed to deflect and not let him asked anymore questions. “No. Last night was wonderful. But we should get up now and…”  
“You know I sense how you tensed up?” The kisses on your neck stopped as his hand landed on your shoulder, softly demanding that you turned and faced him. You complied with a fast beating heart. So this was that then. “Why try and change the subject? Talk to me, love.”  
Never did you think it possible but this man and his caring brown eyes could make you all honest. Thinking about it, it was quite ironic that it was the king of hell who brought this side of you out.  
“You said you loved me” You told him straight forward, trying to get the truth out. He’d find out sooner or later anyway. “And I can’t say it back.”  
Now that made his expression change. It almost hurt you physically how his concerned confusion turned to hurt. You didn’t mean to upset him. Really you cared about this man more than about anyone before. He was the best thing that ever happened to you.  
“I see” He sighed, his expression in a stoic mask. Crowley straightened his back before taking his warm hands from your shoulder. Immediately you missed his touch, his warmth. Before you could even protest he already turned his back to you and got up from your bed. With a snap of his fingers he was fully dressed, still not even looking at you. Panic rose in your chest. He wouldn’t just go, would he?  
“Wait” You scrambled out of bed trying to get a hold of him. He didn’t get it! “Crowley!”  
“No need, love. I think were done.”  
“No! You’re upset, but I didn’t…”  
“I’m not upset.” He looked at you for the first time, his eyes speaking of incredible hurt before he put his composed mask on again. “I’m just taking the hint.”  
And with a snap of his fingers you were standing in front of the bunker, fully clothed and totally alone.  
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***  
“(Y/n)?” Sam looked up from where he was sitting as you walked through the door. Instantly he dropped his book and made his way over to you, concern written all over his face. There were tears running down your cheeks and your whole body was shaking. “What happened?”  
“I ruined it” You yelled, not meaning to but you really couldn’t help yourself not to. There was so much anger about what happened, all dedicated at yourself. “I ruined the one good thing I ever had.”  
“Shh” Sam tried to sooth you as he took you into his strong arms, holding you tight. “I’m sure it’s not that bad. And even if it is we can fix it.”  
“There’s nothing to fix” You whispered your anger vanishing and being replaced by sadness. “I upset him and he just sapped me back here. I never got to explain. It’s all my fault.”  
You were getting really worked up about it. The full implications just hitting you. He was done with you. For ever.  
“Hey, (y/n)” Sam tried again to calm you “There is nothing in the world you can’t talk to him about. Doesn’t matter what you did. I know you mean the world to him, he’ll listen. He loves you.”  
At that you cried even more. Your vision was blurry and you clung to Sam even harder. Crowley meant the world to you too, of course he did. And you hurt him, because you were unable to say some stupid words. Maybe you should have just said them. Lie like you always did when your emotions got messed up.  
“(Y/n)?” Sam was stroking your hair softly still just holding you “What happened?”  
Before you got to reply another voice spoke up. “She told him she didn’t love him.” It was Dean who stood right in the door of the library looking at you in confusion. His words made you mad and you pulled away from Sam, glaring daggers at Dean.  
“That’s not true!” You yelled anger coming back, this time it wasn’t directed at yourself but at Dean. How could he dare say that!   
“How do you know?” Sam asked carefully not siding with either of you, he tried to make sense of this very confusing situation.  
“Apparently demons aren’t exactly great at comforting. So the very angry and upset king of hell popped up in my bedroom and started ranting about his girlfriend.” Dean sighed “I got the whole speech about how you would be dead by now if he didn’t care about you this damn much.”  
“But I care about him too!” You exclaimed, you’re crying slowly stopping.  
“Funny way of showing it, sweetheart.” Dean answered, shrugging. He looked at you as if you were nuts, not really getting what happened.  
“(y/n), tell us what happened” It was again Sam in his quiet and comforting voice. His hand lay on your shoulder as he slowly stirred you towards a chair. After settling you in there he took a seat across from you. His eyes were understanding as he waited for you to open up.  
“I told him I couldn’t say I love you back” You confessed quietly.  
“And why?” Sam kept asking carefully “You’re obviously very upset about not being with him.”  
“I… I never told anyone I love them”  
“So what? First for everything.” Dean sighted exaggerated as he himself took a seat in one of the library chairs. You didn’t catch Sam throwing his brother a warning look, you just shook your head.  
“You don’t get it. I haven’t even told my family I love them.” You kept going “Never as far as I can think back. I care about you, I like you, you are important, but I never ever said these three words.”  
“Huh?” Your confession had both of the Winchesters looking you in astonishment. However you didn’t even notice, looking down at your hands and just playing around with them.  
“I never believed in love anyway. Finding out as an eight year old that you’re the only reason your parents aren’t divorced because ‘they can’t up that on the children’, kills every illusion you ever had about happy ever afters. Spending the years after that watching them tearing each other and the whole family apart with constant fights that lead to nothing, just repetition.” Suddenly you looked up at the boys again with tears in your eyes “Love is just a way to keep someone close, to hurt them because there is no way out of ‘love’.”  
Both brothers were speechless. Sure, they had picked up that you didn’t have a picket fence childhood either, but never would they have guessed what happened to you. Dean was still looking at you like he couldn’t wrap his head around what he just heard. So it was Sam who spoke up first. “Do you think Crowley would ever hurt you?”  
“Never” You said, fully believing your words. He was the king of hell, yet to you he was the kindest man you ever met.  
“So it’s okay if he tells you he loves you?” Sam kept asking carefully. “The thought of having to say it yourself upset you, right?”  
“I can’t just…” You groaned at yourself. You had spent the whole of last night debating exactly this problem with yourself “What if I’m like my parents? What if I’m a horrible person but he puts up with it because we ‘love’ each other?”  
“No air quotes necessary” You heard a familiar British accent and your head snapped to the door. How long had he been standing there? Before you could question him on what he heard he made his way over to you, crouching down in front of you to take your hands and look into your eyes. “I’m truly and absolutely smitten with you, okay?” He paused and you realized he waited for an answer. Carefully you nodded, not sure what was expected. “I don’t expect anything, love. I should have never expect you to say these words back so soon anyway. That’s the whole point of love, caring about someone so much you want them to be happy. And I want you to be happy. So let me rephrase it all. (y/n), you mean the world to me and I need you to know that. I want you to understand that you’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”  
“Crowley” You voice was broken and teary again “You should never doubt that I care deeply about you. I want nothing more than to be with you. Like you said this, us, the best thing that ever happened to me too.”  
That made him smile. All the hurt from earlier gone. Maybe this wasn’t lost after all.  
“That’s all I could ever wanted” He whispered, his hand cupping your cheek “I don’t care what words you use, even if you don’t say anything at all. Looking into your stunning (e/c) eyes I see everything I need to know.”  
And with that you kissed him. You wanted to show him that you meant it, that he truly was your world. You wanted to thank him for understanding. And you wanted to never be apart from him again.  
This was no lovey-dovey fairy tale ending for the two of you. It was better.


End file.
